Pratik Sagar - artist Khoj and Sarai CSDS - molestation

I had considered everything upto 2012 exploration (whether that was with Anup, Satish, Randeep, Biplab or Raghu), as being foolish and learning for the better and moved on by transforming my own self to a more graceful, happy and responsible person, hiding the pain that these men's violations on my body had left me with by just not making any noise because saying anything to any of these men would be losing my composure and having to face more of their defensive abuses and dealing with strained relationships in society or being seen as being out to tarnish their great reputations when this was only about my right over my body for me. My approach was to simply continue using love thus instead of war no matter how much someone may have violated my body. In 2013, I got myself a studio space outside home in Shahpur Jat and had responsibilities to run it, pay rent and maintain my professionalism. I wanted to leave my past behind and start a new present - a safer present where I monitor sensitively who comes close to my body and how, commit to more meaningful relationships which are not based on sexual or physical interaction without the trust for it and have a voice where I feel violated or men do anything they should not be doing. I wished to switch my stance from feeling compassion for men and treating them like kids who always violate women and constantly hiding my sensitivity and getting violated dirtily by men to considering them mature enough to take responsibility for their actions and behaviour with women and allowing myself to be sensitive and I felt I was myself too careless with how I handled my body in the past - by cuddling upto or hugging anyone like a child to be lovable and warm with people and making my body more accessible for everyone to touch, grope and misbehave with me. I had let so many men abuse and misbehave with my body just so as to not to threaten anyone, to be liberal and give people what they wanted that I really needed my personal space by now and needed to make sure I carried myself cautiously in society. In august 2013, I made the same mistake again.
I invited Prateek, who was recently back from his Pro Helvetia residency in Switzerland to my studio to share my evolution as a person and the new space I had built for myself and my work with him with another friend Tony, a musician and a gentleman. We sat at my studio from about 8-10 having a drink and chatting. I always felt good mixing different groups of friends. At about 10, Tony, who was married by then, decided to leave and both me and Prateek went to drop him off to an auto by walking down. We came back to my studio. We chatted for sometime and being a very warm and cozy person, I remember us chatting with me putting my head on his shoulders though I considered it completely a friendly gesture and human warmth. I had not defined my relationship with him to him up until. In the past, when I met him at my Sarai City as Studio fellowship, I had held onto him as company and hung out with him thereafter on several instances in parks (New Friends colony), metros, the Ridge, at the Cafe Coffee day in Sarita Vihar, near Shahpur Jat, at Nehru Place during the fellowship, chatted with him for long hours on the phone about his girlfriend, love and my other existential and social issues, called him home where we chatted on my balcony and I showed him photos of mine, and invited him to have a drink with me and my friends from NIFT on one instance at Saket Select City Mall. On one instance on the metro during our fellowship (which lasted 8 months) Prateek told me he was in love with me and I'd laughed it off. Prateek would often share his feelings for other women around us with me. We stayed the nights in the Sarai fellowship studio in Shahpur Jat on a few instances where Anup came to pick me up once too. This was all before 2013, and before my transformation from someone searching for my identity to a graceful woman who embraced her beauty and sensitivity after which I did not wish to have anything to do with anyone from my past and wanted to only be seen with a man I was in a promising relationship with, who liked me for who I was, and be appreciated by all others for my personal life. I believe that yes, I was attractive to Prateek as a person during and after Sarai till 2013 but wanted my own space thereafter. On that evening, we again chatted about people from Sarai and Prateek's relationship with his girlfriend, and soon it was about 11:30 or 12:00 in the night. I did not think Prateek would have found autos or a cab at that hour and asked him to crash with me at my studio as a friend, since I also wanted protection and support while being there in the night and trusted him to respect the friendly bond we shared and never preempted anything could be done to me without consent. I even joked with Prateek at some point before crashing about not making any sexual advances towards me because he was not my partner and I did not see him in that manner. I laid two mattresses on the floor in the first room of my studio (where my workstation was) about 20 feet apart and slept on the left while Prateek slept on the right. We both went off to sleep at about 12:30 am. I was deep in sleep until 5:30 am. At about 5:45 am, I felt Prateek's left hand groping and caressing both my breasts slowly from over my tight fitting kurta. I was wearing a tight fitting kurta and churidaar - nothing provocative or revealing. His fingers were circling my nipples with complete ownership. I felt it subconsciously first, and then woke up while still lying down with my eyes shut pretending like nothing was happening for sometime to find the most peaceful way to deal with this without a confrontation. I acted like I was sleeping and just took my hands sleepily over his and threw his hands away from my body. I did that twice and his hands came back to my body despite that both the times, to start circling my nipples and feeling the roundness of my breasts again with complete ownership. It was a sexual assault. Now, If you think I could call his touching an intimate part of my body without my permission and while I'm unconscious, a sexual assault, I am also fair enough to have him let me know if ever my touching his body casually was something he did not permit - I would have apologized for it and borne a punishment for doing so. I would have been okay with him asking me for anything he wanted while we were awake and I could have reacted to his advances if he made any if I was awake - but he began groping my body with complete sense of ownership as if my body was public property while I was unconscious. What he did to me was not a 'move' but an assault because I was unconscious and had no power to react nor was my consent seeked. He felt up/groped/circled my breasts with both his hands for a good ten minutes during the first half of which I was unconscious, first of the second half I was waking up to realize he was doing so and in the third half I removed his hand from my breasts twice or thrice but had him throw them back on my breasts, feeling them up again. He believed he had the right to do that to my body without sharing any such relationship with me, without once having asked me about my personal life (he presumed I had none) and while having a personal life and a girlfriend, which he had discussed a lot about with me - I had even confided in him about bad experiences with men, which was not reciprocated with sensitivity but him doing the same to me. I tried to think of ways of let this go and deal with what was being done to me most calmly without a confrontation by removing his hands off me and just sleeping it off and pretending nothing happened, nor intending to chat with him about it since I had to conserve my energies and maintain my composure as a person of few words. I did not want to complicate things, drain myself or the other out or even face the fact that I had been molested. I blamed myself for meeting Prateek at a time I had no energy for people or to be approached physically without a dignified relationship and wanted to leave my past behind and start focusing on my work, routine, discipline, professionalism and my online presence. I wanted to only be seen for my work respectably at that time to maintain my uniqueness as a person and guard myself from being violated and hopefully find a relationship where I could be approached respectfully and sensitively, progressively by knowing each other and earning that trust first, and conduct myself and my body sensitively. I blamed myself for not just meeting Prateek, allowing him or Tony to drink in my studio - a place of disciplined work for me that I needed to pay and make rent for, and for allowing him to then crash in that space next to me against my dignity making my body so easily accessible to be violated by a man who had a personal life and who I simply met once in two years to share my success or growth as a person with, or even crash there myself, making a disciplined office into a home or chill pad. I somehow woke myself up completely after throwing Prateek's hand off my body the last time. I sat up as did Prateek. Prateek lit a cigarette and walked around the room to come and sit on one of the chairs close to my work desk. I neither had alcohol that night nor smoked by now. I kept my silence for sometime and then asked Prateek how he had done what he did to me while I slept just now. He immediately said 'I was being too complicated' which was exactly what I feared doing and had tried to avert the discussion and take it for granted that he had felt up my body as a gesture of romance without of-course sharing any such relationship with me - because I was supposed to be a woman who's body every man could lay his hands on to have a romantic fling with while having their personal lives and who did not have the right to want to be in a stable relationship finally. I tried telling him that he was groping my body while I was asleep and could have taken my consent to do so, but he just called me complicated and tried closing that discussion. He did not once earn the respect or trust for anything such with me nor had he ever dated me and I felt violated and my body considered public property, while I guilted mhyself into blaming myself for what happened to me. We finally closed the discussion because it was reaching no consensus and walked out of my studio at the 2nd floor together to have Prateek leave. I walked him all the way down and then we sat quietly for a few minutes despite how violated I felt at that time, when I asked him to please leave. I thought keeping my composure and not draining myself or him out would be the most pleasant thing to do - I did not want to deal with unpleasantness by throwing him out nor knew how to be an unpleasant person, why I was taken for granted repeatedly. I was hurt again but did not know how to hurt anyone else back. Once he went back home, over the next few days and weeks, the pain of the violation began seeping in. I was swamped in self blame, guilt and anguish for how someone could do something to anyone else's body without their permission as if they owned it and why I was chosen so easily as a victim of that despite having started a new life and left a past of having had my body violated by several men behind during that time. How could I make that mistake and how was I supposed to find my closure from it now? I was mentally disturbed and my entire plan of action for the next few years, which was to establish myself better professionally and as a person and start working with credibility and better discipline, which I could not in the past due to such men's behaviours with me, was disrupted by a man who came and grabbed a part of my body in even my new life without my permission, violating and contaminating the new evolved and transformed me and my office - leaving me with nothing new to transform to to emerge from this trauma, broken, while he seemed to feel no sense of guilt for what he did - he believed he was entitled to it. While other women had their personal lives and were liked and appreciated by these men on social media while being respected for their boundaries and bodies, I had these men experiment on me by groping and touching my body anywhere they would see me to test whether I wanted them physically without once asking me about my personal life and I would be blocked and ignored if I took offense to their physical advances or molestations because there was no longer anything left to want me in their lives for if not for being able to play with my body and they no longer desired me. I was in a dilemma - on whether to consider what Prateek did to me as my mistake and an extension of the past or blame him for it as an artist and accuse him of sexually assaulting me because I had not wanted anything such in my life by this time and even if I had shared a relationship with someone or he liked me, he had not taken my consent before he groped an intimate part of my body with a sense of entitlement, experimenting on me sexually to check whether there is anything he can get out of me without my giving it while I was unconscious by reducing me to a mere object of sexuality in his life as well, completely blinded to anything else I may be and appreciating me for that, rather. I knew that Prateek was testing whether he can get anything sexual out of me, which was the goal of being with me - had I told him he couldn't, he would stopped hanging out with me because there would be nothing to wait on anymore, and at the same time I was not okay having been groped without my consent at such an intimate part of my body while I was unconscious by a fellow professional who I clearly shared no history and no such relationship with, and who had not once respected my personal life. I knew he considered what he did to me an act of being able to 'trust' me, but did I want to be trusted for something I did not want to allow? My even telling him off for it meant I lost 'his' trust because he believed he was entitled to what he did with any woman, and would be taken as me owing him, but not once did he take what he did as breaking my trust and owing me thus for the damage caused to my dignity. I wrote to him a few days later on mail explaining to him why what he did to me was a molestation. He responded back defensively and immidiately blocked me from facebook or any other social networks because there was nothing to appreciate to me anymore, and he feared I may mention what he did to me on those or shame him, and took what happened as me having led him astray and thus intended to tarnish his reputation as a man while he claimed he only did what any man would in a situation of sleeping next to any woman because 'he said he was a man and bound to feel led on', and his ego as a man for why he would not be accepted to make advances when some other man could, was at stake. I noticed on his facebook feed that he had been posting in support of justice for the victim in the Tarun Tejpal case, so I pointed out those hypocrisies to him. He called me and first said I called him over and just trap men like him by doing that at night, and that I was targeting him because he was Dalit. He then told me he had done this to many women, and no one had reacted strongly against it. He called me a 'psycho', trying to label me into the 'kind of girl' I am based on his experiment with my body, which he still believed he was entitled to. I could not tell him that far from being a 'psycho', I had let many many men get away with doing many many things to my body in the past without ever asking for anything, and I simply wanted that to end by now, and it was him alone who had done the psychotic act by groping me while I slept, but I was kind enough to not dignify him with abuses, despite. I had tried telling him how he would feel if this was done while his mother or sister if they slept next to a fellow professional or friend, even if I admitted it was my mistake to allow that or even allow him to see or meet me then, and he gaslighted me further by saying I should not be talking about his mother or sister in such a light, while he was perfectly comfortable doing that to me and justified his behaviour for 'simply being attracted'. I tried telling him that we were in no such relationship and that he already was in a relationship - he simply took my body for granted without consent which was traumatic for me. I tried telling him that I had even left such a past behind with many but wanted nothing such by this time of my life and only hoped to be in a respectable relationship for a man to be touching my body intimately, something very private for me. He said he was sorry to have done to me what others had done to me in my past, which was nice of him, and asked me if we could remain friends now. He said he was remorseful but tried gaslighting me further by asking me to 'let go' when it is for each one to decide for themselves what they wish to let go off and when and how to heal from someone else disrupting their life, discipline and routine. Having been through so much in the past, and constantly let go, I did not want to let go just because that is how a man would gaslight a woman after doing something such - he expects her to not make an issue and display a balanced nature while he displayed none and should have ideally had to pay for what he did. He even said things to me to the effect of telling me 'I win' when I ran into him at an event thereafter,
because his uneducated mind made him see my having taking offense to something morally wrong as me trying to win or lose, when all it certified was equal respect for myself as I had for him because he had disbalanced that relationship. I felt violated professionally and personally and my work-space was contaminated and misused. I felt more sorry about having created room for such an incident to happen to me in my 'new life', rather than angry with Prateek, so I was just unable to move beyond the guilt or deal with it. Prateek then apologized to me on mail.
This is what he said :

"Dear Dyuti,

Life is a fresh experience for everyone and so it is for me. I happen to find you a talented and creative personality from which I suppose I would learn new things it's rather most unfortunate and poor of me to bring a regular friendship to this stage.

I had hurt a trustworthy relationship by not realising that some times small moments are the most prominent memories. On my return from Switzerland and our usual chatting during my stay abroad had been about discussing life and various phases of it that we see. I was aware how you were looking for a space and suitable conditions to get back to work and stay independent. It was impressive to know when you started your own studio and I was glad that you invited me at your place once again to spend some time in free as during the days everyone is busy with survival issues.

It was in this light that I visited you and knowing that there is another friend who is going to join since you were returning from Hauz friend gathering. In the night around 1 when your musician friend left I was asking your leave but then since we were meeting after a long gap we decided to stay awake talking till morning in next three hours as we had done earlier.

Once we got back to the studio I asked you to show me some works and as the set up was rather new we instead went out in the balcony. There you made a friendly move by resting on my lap which was an OK expression of affection between friends. Since, there is a void of getting fondly appreciated for rather undeserving minuscule acts and gestures for not having a girl in my life and no actual physical closeness with any girl it made me a bit uncomfortable and I put forward my request to go for a short nap before the sun rises. We went back in the house and made Bed. Since, I spend nights at other places, friends houses or visit cousin I am relaxed with the idea of staying together without any wrong meanings. We lied next to each other and eventually hugged each other and I lovingly caressed you then to which you responded in absolute friendly manner. I asked you if we should carry forward our friendship to another level to which you replied no. Your answer was no. We kept on the conversation before I asked your leave to go sleep in the next room. I did fell asleep in minutes within an hour I woke up and found myself in another setting. I went to the loo and decided to have a smoke. It was lying on the table next to the bed you were sleeping. While smoking I got back to the moments of life when I had seen a girl sleeping. You were in peace and I was admiring that. Since, earlier we were lying next to each at that moment I did not gave it second though and went closer to you for I was honoured to have made a new true friend but it was a mistake, the expression could be read wrong but I had no idea then. I was again admiring the peace you were at, you were sleeping sweetly and there were no bad intentions or thought that were in my heart. I am sorry since you were sleeping I should have not approached you for any reasons. It was a move made solely by the decision of the heart and no mind. That is where I feel I was wrong to begin with. Even at that spot it was no intention to wake you up or do anything pervert or demeaning but as you woke up you found it inappropriate for all good reasons. I was caressed you chick when you got up Dyuti I am sorry but I didn't touch inappropriate or with bad motives. When you expressed your  non-cooperation and since you were not aware I found that it was received in another way and the way that looks true to such situation. I felt ashamed right then and acted in order to defend myself which I did not expected and realised the oddness of my approach then and there itself. A no from you was a clear no but I was baffled by my own approach. It did made me feel embarrassed of how wrong this should also mean to suggest to you at that moment. Your reaction and reflex was loud and clear it was clear enough to know what it meant and it meant a clear NO with disappointment. I did backed out and apologized to you there and tried to explain that what misunderstanding is,. I have tried to put my explanation in various ways.

The much it is a shock, disappointment to you is indeed shameful and embarrassing to me  beginning with the trust that it broke and a friend that got a wrong idea about me. Nothing can make this act less important or demeaning if it do hurt a girls sentiment.

You had given me a chance now to consider reading my apologies when you do so I would like to request you to please also consider some of the good previous moments that our friendship has seen. Its your creative potential and sharp observations about life which always fascinated me about you. Our friendship has now taken a different shape. Right from you calling me to the police station to abusive writings that you sent me and last evening you were cursing me and abused me on a speaker phone in front of a group of your friends. Dyuti, I wont be able to show my face to anyone. I am living in catharsis and trauma for more then 20 days earlier I was scared, in guilt, ashamed and embarrassed now I am feared very scared in fact. I have always seek your mercy since this tragic incidence happened.

Plz. have mercy on me I had been writing to you as a friend, today I am writing to you as human being who has for right or wrong had hurt her friend and gave her so much of negative thoughts. I have always listened to you patiently of what you had to say always that's how I wish to be seen as a friend. I myself find myself dependent upon friends and it was indeed a dependency and aloofness that I liked to share time with rather a unusual company. It is unusual for most of my time I spend with male artists or non artists form my school time friends. Dyuti, I am very scared and had cried in front of you so much now I am feared because you still think I am understanding you wrong I may fail to realise  at times what you mean but that just a limitation of my own less knowing.

I beg you and fold my hand to please allow me to make necessary changes in my personality that hurts a genuine relationship of friendship that we ourselves develop. You voice is still echoing in my mind and a vibration in my body that I am unable to loose. It is indeed a setback to hear you talk to me with so much of hatred anger and disgust. Your friends are going to remember me in bad shade. I hardly know how to deal this on my own and would need your support. Dyuti, I do need help and affection. love from friends and family and from the parents of my friend a warm gesture. I am terribly sorry for my mistake to touch you when you were sleeping. Its inappropriate but I was truly reflecting some affection and it was not meant to be even noticed. It did not mean to  hurt, I was much appreciative of the fact that there is this one girl who is now having here her own office and is constantly making good name amongst the graphic novelists. I wish to repeat that for my own self. I had been updated on how you have been appreciated and further approached for your work. We were in fact at some point in the initial months of our friendship were to looking forward to do some wall painting project together at Khirkee. I visited to see your studio space and joined you with another friend. We have also spent nights and time before and I have always enjoyed it. There was no bad intention but yes a slip of action which I never said that you exaggerated. You had tried to forgive me but some how I am unable to cope with your anger. Dyuti, I can't live like this. Its killing me. I have a low blood pressure problem and a very weak heart. I am not a strong man I am sorry. I have great worries for my image in front of my friends and family. You call me hypocrite but I am giving a push to be a better person and stronger being as it seems I have survived by now only because of the care alone that I receive from my family and well wishers.

You have been a superb support to me and I wish I have you as a shoulder to cry on and a person where I could seek solace. When you abuse me on phone or write harsh for anyone connected to me my heart goes numb. I have no words to express it proper and I had never experienced such emotions and thoughts and such tickling in my whole body ever before. Dyuti, I am living in a constant fear without peace of mind for months now. Please, forgive me for  a happy past friendly time that we had shared. I have learnt from you before and would like to remain around you. Please, forgive me. It was a misunderstanding and a fault irreversible yet I wont repeat it ever in my life again. I did not give another thought to it then as my intend was not wrong. I have always seen you as a respectable person and certainly aware with how much affection and praise you receive from society.

I have no solution to when you say that either you'll put me behind bars or harm yourself. Dyuti, I see a friend's turning away from me as a harsher truth as well much like a punishment. Believe me please its no good to lose a friendly love for a misunderstanding involving a bit more of consciousness from my side. I indeed lacked it at that time and realised then and there form your reflex and so I distanced myself from you out of my fear and weakness. I am a very ordinary boy, you know it. Please. also consider what we exchange as friends with anyone during conversation is often mindless and raw. I never judged you this hard as you are doing to me. Absence of judgement leads on closer to loving someone also my affection and approach too is often misread as you complain it happen with you too. It is similar complain and in many contexts many of us face at some junction. I am not saying that your pain is false or you doing this to blackmail me. You are telling me what is genuinely disturbing you and I have been trying my best to lend you my ear for if it could be of any help. I have listened to you for hours and there are not many people that I talk to over phone and not for this much time with anyone. 

I am terribly sorry and I never intended to turn our friendship to turn this sour. Give me chance to correct myself and fix this friendship which for me is valuable and you know it. I don't have many friends and I truly keep up with those I find naturally inclined to, you being one of such and amongst a good friend from the girls that I talk to or know. I am sorry to make you feel this bad and bring bad luck to both of us. Please, Forgive me.

In the end I would seek your mercy. Please forgive a friend considering my promise to make a significant change in my life. "

I appreciated his apology, and felt like I did not deserve an apology at all in my modesty to consider me noone before him if he had not done something I considered morally wrong, and I felt I would be encouraging immoral behaviour by maintaining silence or being strong. I felt the mistake was mine and not his, and told him not to have apologized and apologized to him instead for not maintaining my boundaries on that instance and meeting him after I had left my past behind and moved to a new life, not knowing I would be molested or approached sexually without a relationship in my new life, or had my work-space disrespected by a guest misusing it for such acts when I wished to maintain my professionalism and had responsibilities. I did not know if I should blame myself or him, honesty - if anyone can help me understand that, i would be grateful. There are those like my own family who made me believe the mistake my mine if I created such a situation and that such an act could have thus been done by any man in his place, and those who felt strongly about how wrong it was on his part irrespective and that not blaming or punishing him for it, would make him believe it was right.

We talked again on the phone, he apologized to my dad.

A few days later, I had gone to Lajpat Nagar to pick up something and saw Partik shopping with a friend of his there. I went upto him and said hello. He said Hi and first smiled to me wickedly, hoping I would have the sense of humour to acknowledge what he had shared with me as fun between us. I didn't react to that. At that point Pratik said, 'I have apologized to you and you can slap me if that makes you feel better.' I said I don't want to do that. He said I wrote to his sister which was not nice, and spoke bad things about his mother and sister, which was untrue. He said I was glowing and that was nice. He then suddenly just felt like I was not going to get convinced and began running away from me with his friend. I didn't want to threaten him at all or make him think he needed to run away from me by having a healthy dialogue, but you cannot have any healthy dialogue with a man about your physical boundaries - it is bound to make him feel threatened and protect his reputation - the only way to function with a man was to let every man I met, as displayed well by this blog, to access my body and say nothing.

I had a common friend, Mandakini, with Pratik, someone who had studied at Delhi College of Art with Pratik, daughter of a renowned art curator in Delhi. I wrote to Mandakini in my anxiety and told her that Partik had groped my breasts while I slept and that it was disturbing me. She first reacted by saying she was sorry to hear that I was so bothered by it and that "Pratik's ways are strange." Then, she unfriended Pratik from her facebook until he wrote an apology to her. I called her up and asked her if I should take action. She said it's best not to wash dirty laundry publicly, and to let it go, and also told me to stop acting 'naive' because she was trying to imply that it's normal for men to do what Pratik did and believed I was 'pretending' to be innocent when actually this was not about acting naive or clever, I had been sexually assaulted and it was confusing for me because I truly did not understand why that should be considered normal. I did not want to have confided in her about it because I was unnecessarily testing a fragile and relatively new relationship (between me and her) and taking a favour, and also painting someone she knew in a certain light to her based on my experience with them and urging her to take sides - testing my own friendship with her thus. I knew it was a bad idea and would mar my relationship with her and make her judge me eventually. My fears came true. I decided to simply call her and tell her that I was sorry for having bothered her and was okay with Pratik, at which point she just presumed I'm calling her for 'more help' and put down the phone saying 'Pratik has been a friend for many years, I've known you lesser - you're creating problems between me and him and I can't help you.' I felt awful that she had misunderstood my calling her up and that I actually just wanted to apologize to her for having mentioned anything or created any problems. The next thing I knew was that she and Pratik were friends again on facebook, she was liking his posts to display her support for him and when I met her at a Raqs (Untimely Calender) event, she just said off handed-ly and sarcastically to me that 'everyone's scared' to make me sound like I had been scary by taking offense to Pratik's molestation because it was normal for men to do so, but such men did nothing scary to me, and then just walked off with Pratik to let me know she was friends with him. I tried being good with Pratik at that point by telling him I was sorry for making an issue and would just like to hug you, but he too walked away and felt I owed him now. He then passed me by again and I asked him if we could talk once. At that point he said. 'look Dyuti, I have cut that part of my life off me and moved on. Now I want to have nothing to do with you.' because while he disrupted me having cut my past off and wanted nothing such in my life, I could not disrupt the fact that he had left this behind. He said 'your ways are a little strange but you great.' I said, 'I was sorry for how I reacted Pratik - the fault was mine that day and not yours.', to which he said 'I made a mistake, after that you made a mistake by reacting inappropriately - now we are equal.' I said I had experienced a lot in the past, at which point he said ' yes, of-course, you know everything about life!" sarcastically. He then said to me that I had still been writing to him which was not normal, and said 'Take it easy - let it go' twice, and walked off - which was an insult because I was relaxed and taking it easy and it was he who needed to relax for doing what he had - it was a way to gaslight me.

Everyone was good as long as a woman was sexually involved with various men, but the moment it was sexual assault and sexual harassment, they all wanted to stay away because it made not the men who did these acts, but me 'scary' and 'created problems'.

I could not blame or punish him because that would be hurting someone back for something they do even if feminism says that is merely justice and paying for hurting someone, felt guilty and simply apologized to Pratik for contaminating the discipline of my work-space by having had him sleep in it and molest the most intimate part of my body in it. I apologized to Pratik for losing my dignity by even allowing him to do something as private as crash next to me, when such a place should only be reserved for someone I felt you share such a relationship with in your life, which we never did or could.
I apologized to Mandakini for having confided in her about my discomfort or painted any picture of Pratik to her so as not to create problems, make her pick sides or appear scary and again as strongly, let it go and moved on, hising my heart and sheer confusion at being a victim of such acts as casually.
 

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